Desperate Measures Of The Heart

My last relationship was a complete disaster. I swore that I would never make those same mistakes again. He was abusive and I was reluctant to say the least. After we broke up and moved five thousand miles away from each other, everyone thought I was finally over that "hump" in my life and expected me to carry on as if all was well. I had different plans. I wanted to be anything but myself. Being myself would make me realize all the things he said about me were true. He would tell me how ugly I was and make me feel like no man would ever want me and soon enough, I started to believe him. Later on down the line, I was hungry for love again. Only this time, I wouldn't meet the love of my life face to face, it would be via a social networking site. CONFESSION TIME::. I made a fake Facebook page and added them to both the fake page and my real page to see if what my ex said about me was true. You can think of it as a "social experiment", at least that's what it started out as. I made this page in addition to about 20 others. The other pages were pages to act as "friends who knew me" and basically validated my "existence". I liked the things the men and women said about me. How pretty, smart and ambitious they all thought I was. At any rate, this had gone on about 6 months and I had already carried out 2 different relationships with unsuspected men. I talked to them over the phone everyday and got to know them. Things didn't go as planned and I realized I didn't want to be with them but that's another blog for another day. Months later, I added a new guy. And this guy changed my life. I didn't add him with the intent to socialize with him. I added him just to have another face. Soon enough, we began to talk all day of every day. He would tell me about his past relationships and how they failed. He told me all about his goals, his ambitions, his family, his friends, his life and the kind of person he was. Eventually, we fell in love with one another and had hopes of one day facing each other so that we could show one another. And as that day came closer, I would give him hints about the truth, but he would reject them. I told him that I was "her cousin" in order to get a feel for how he would be towards me. Soon enough, I told him the whole truth and even got on webcam so he could see the real me! He treated me like crap for weeks after that stating that I was a liar and that he wanted nothing more to do with me. I couldn't understand why he felt that way because I thought the love he had for me would overshadow all my faults. I was naive and foolish. I wanted to know the truth behind his reasoning for not wanting to be with me, thus reverting back to my fake page. I told him that I lied about being someone else and that I was indeed the person he thought I was! (Confusing, I know!) He accepted (with suspicion) and I began to question him about his feelings towards "my cousin" (aka ME). He said that he thought I was "just okay" and that he couldn't see himself giving me a real chance because "i looked like someone he would cheat on" so he didn't want to waste either of our time. I was heartbroken and realized that if I told him the truth (again) that I would lose him! Lately he's been on my case about the issue and compelling me to come see him. I want nothing more in this world than to do so but I know it will do nothing but hurt the both of us.